Can’t Wait to get out

Written on 9/14/08

So i know most of you have been on college visits recently and so far I have gone on 3 (but really 2 cause Eastern Kentucky doesnt count) but every one I go on I just hate my life at home more and more. Yea sure I have friends here that I don’t want to ever have to say goodbye to but I want to be away from my parents so bad it hurts. I am looking at UK, OSU, University of Louisville (maybe if I like the visit), and possibly Miami as a fallback. So far UK is my top choice cause it gets me the furthest away and there computer program is not a joke but I still need to look at UoL. Pretty much as most of you know my parents are very controlling and don’t ever want to let go. I haven’t seen OSU yet but I have heard a lot of good things about it but I really really want to get away. I want to get far far away. I’m sick of the drama, I’m sick of my parents, I’m sick of my sisters, I want to leave and never look back. Yes I have learned valuable lessons from my parents but they never want to let me make my own mistakes. They are always “protecting” me. I dont think they have realized how much they have pissed me off and how alienated I am from them. If I thought I could make it on my own I would just leave, leave it all behind. I love my friends and I wouldn’t leave them without saying goodbye but my parents (and other people) don’t understand that if you love/like someone if you hold tighter you will only squeeze them to death. I want college where I can say yes without asking. When I can try new things without getting a speech. I WANT to make mistakes. I WANT to waste money on that thing that wasnt worth it. I want to come home early the morning after and say I’m never going to do that again. I want screw up. I want to be free. I don’t want to have them to fall back on. I want to hit the floor so hard it hurts. I want the pain I want to learn and I can’t do that if they constantly hold my hand. I hate how my dad requires me to tell him my passwords to my computer or my email or my XXXXX. I am sick of it I want to be free. I want to leave. I constantly have church shoved down my throat so much that i start to doubt it. I firmly believe in aspects of my faith but there are some that I don’t understand and if I ask a question like (and I’m not gay but this is one that I have been thinking about lately) “Why is it against the bible to be gay?” people will get mad at me. Well guess what SCREW THE CHURCH i have had i with blindly following something for so long. I agree with a lot of what the church says but recently I have been asking myself questions like “If the new testament changed all the rules (ie. the old testament is null thus we can eat meat from previously unclean animals) and the whole gay issue is only in the old testament (to my knowledge) then why is being gay wrong?” for too long I have taken everything at face value but screw it I want you to show me in the bible where it says you can be gay because after arguing it for so long I realized that my only argument against it was the bible says so and I actually have no idea (other than in the old testament in leviticus) where it says its wrong. But ask anyone from the church that and they will scream “UnGodly hearten devil worshiper” at you and never speak to you again. I am just pissed because my whole life has been about what my parents want for me and they think that they can rub it in I make a mistake but if I try it the other way around I get in trouble and when I say “well this is how you always treat me” and they say “well we are the parents” WELL GUESS WHAT BEING A PARENT DOESNT GIVE YOU FULL RIGHTS TO BE A DOUCHE BAG!!!!! Sometime when I get mad at them they will be like “Would you talk this way to your boss?” and I want to scream if my boss sucked as much as you do then I would QUIT! I want to be free. I want to go to college. I don’t even want to go back to my house for thanksgiving or christmas I would rather sit alone then have to talk to them. They never care about anything I do right but screw up once and you would think the sky was falling. I even hint at trying out a new church and my dad literally acts like I just slapped him and keyed his car. What makes Dublin Baptist Church so flippin special? This like that make me mad. I’m not asking to NOT go to church I just want to go somewhere else. I think i’m entitled to at least that. I always get the “as long as you live under this roof” speech (yes I know you have all heard it) and I just want to scream I can’t wait till I’m no longer dependent on you so I don’t have to put up with you! So enjoy it mom and dad while it lasts cause I can promise you that as soon as my 4 years of college are done I hope that I never have to depend on you again!