Can’t Wait to get out

Written on 9/14/08

So i know most of you have been on college visits recently and so far I have gone on 3 (but really 2 cause Eastern Kentucky doesnt count) but every one I go on I just hate my life at home more and more. Yea sure I have friends here that I don’t want to ever have to say goodbye to but I want to be away from my parents so bad it hurts. I am looking at UK, OSU, University of Louisville (maybe if I like the visit), and possibly Miami as a fallback. So far UK is my top choice cause it gets me the furthest away and there computer program is not a joke but I still need to look at UoL. Pretty much as most of you know my parents are very controlling and don’t ever want to let go. I haven’t seen OSU yet but I have heard a lot of good things about it but I really really want to get away. I want to get far far away. I’m sick of the drama, I’m sick of my parents, I’m sick of my sisters, I want to leave and never look back. Yes I have learned valuable lessons from my parents but they never want to let me make my own mistakes. They are always “protecting” me. I dont think they have realized how much they have pissed me off and how alienated I am from them. If I thought I could make it on my own I would just leave, leave it all behind. I love my friends and I wouldn’t leave them without saying goodbye but my parents (and other people) don’t understand that if you love/like someone if you hold tighter you will only squeeze them to death. I want college where I can say yes without asking. When I can try new things without getting a speech. I WANT to make mistakes. I WANT to waste money on that thing that wasnt worth it. I want to come home early the morning after and say I’m never going to do that again. I want screw up. I want to be free. I don’t want to have them to fall back on. I want to hit the floor so hard it hurts. I want the pain I want to learn and I can’t do that if they constantly hold my hand. I hate how my dad requires me to tell him my passwords to my computer or my email or my XXXXX. I am sick of it I want to be free. I want to leave. I constantly have church shoved down my throat so much that i start to doubt it. I firmly believe in aspects of my faith but there are some that I don’t understand and if I ask a question like (and I’m not gay but this is one that I have been thinking about lately) “Why is it against the bible to be gay?” people will get mad at me. Well guess what SCREW THE CHURCH i have had i with blindly following something for so long. I agree with a lot of what the church says but recently I have been asking myself questions like “If the new testament changed all the rules (ie. the old testament is null thus we can eat meat from previously unclean animals) and the whole gay issue is only in the old testament (to my knowledge) then why is being gay wrong?” for too long I have taken everything at face value but screw it I want you to show me in the bible where it says you can be gay because after arguing it for so long I realized that my only argument against it was the bible says so and I actually have no idea (other than in the old testament in leviticus) where it says its wrong. But ask anyone from the church that and they will scream “UnGodly hearten devil worshiper” at you and never speak to you again. I am just pissed because my whole life has been about what my parents want for me and they think that they can rub it in I make a mistake but if I try it the other way around I get in trouble and when I say “well this is how you always treat me” and they say “well we are the parents” WELL GUESS WHAT BEING A PARENT DOESNT GIVE YOU FULL RIGHTS TO BE A DOUCHE BAG!!!!! Sometime when I get mad at them they will be like “Would you talk this way to your boss?” and I want to scream if my boss sucked as much as you do then I would QUIT! I want to be free. I want to go to college. I don’t even want to go back to my house for thanksgiving or christmas I would rather sit alone then have to talk to them. They never care about anything I do right but screw up once and you would think the sky was falling. I even hint at trying out a new church and my dad literally acts like I just slapped him and keyed his car. What makes Dublin Baptist Church so flippin special? This like that make me mad. I’m not asking to NOT go to church I just want to go somewhere else. I think i’m entitled to at least that. I always get the “as long as you live under this roof” speech (yes I know you have all heard it) and I just want to scream I can’t wait till I’m no longer dependent on you so I don’t have to put up with you! So enjoy it mom and dad while it lasts cause I can promise you that as soon as my 4 years of college are done I hope that I never have to depend on you again!

Senior Schedule

1. Engineering Design

(A113)

Mr. Roscoe

2. AP English Literature

(B275)

Mr. Barrett

3. AP Calculus AB

(A122)

Mr. Bringardner

4. Cisco II

(A116)

Mr. King

5. International Diplomacy /first semester

(B174)

Mr. Reed

5. US Government /second semester

(B153)

Mr. Turner

6. AP Computer Science AB

(A116)

Mr. King

7. AP Statistics

(A126)

Mr. King

8. Early Release

Overreacting

So on Monday I did something that was really stupid and worst of all I didn’t do it for a good reason. I was hanging out with a friend and while we were driving somewhere he was messing around and hanging out the sun roof and window of my other friend’s car (in front of me) just fooling around. I have repetitively asked him to wear his seat belt

*Rabbit Trail*

Go ahead and call me a girl but I’m telling you my dad would be dead if it weren’t for seat belts, and an expensive car, he was driving to work one day, and funny thing he wasn’t planning on getting hit, but some drunk douche bag crossed all 4 lanes of traffic on 270 and hit the median right in front of my dad and my dad t-boned his car, ejecting the driver and leaving a BLOOD trail down the passenger side of my dads car.

*End Rabbit Trail*

Yes I know Country Road != I-270 but its still not safe and it kinda pissed me off that he never listened when I asked/told him to wear his seat belt, yes he would eventually put it on, but not before saying some stupid comment like “I don’t need to wear one” or “It’s not against the law”. Well ExCuSe me medical marijuana –> READ THIS To UNDERSTAND <– isn’t against the law but you don’t see me rushing down to the nearest “doctors office” to get a prescription, mainly because i have yet to find such a place… I kidding!

Now really what he says about the law is true, unless i am driving, but still its like flying a plane with no parachutes. Anyways after i saw that I got really mad that he was so bliss with taking his life in danger, YES YES i know he was probably never in any danger i just worry.

So when we got the were we were going I got out and started punching him for being… , well yeah. he didn’t take well to that seeing how he saw it as harmless fun and told me I should have used my words, and all this time i though  “Please wear your seat belt” was a string of words… hmm,

so did I overreact? Yes, dont even try to tell me otherwise,

was I an idiot? Yes

is it my job to make sure he wears his seat belt? No

would I feel like his blood was on my hands if he died not wearing his seat belt? Yes

I know as always these thoughts are scrambled, misspelled, and hard to understand so once again thank you for reading

Let down

So we all know the saying that says something to the effect that we don’t see faults in our role models. But when you finally do see the faults it seems to hurt a lot. The worst is when that person calls you out on something and tells you that it is bad and not to do that and then you find out that they are guilty of the same thing. Hypocrisy is probably the most annoying thing to see in a role model and frankly it pisses me off when you find these sort of things out. Not only does it destroy a lot of trust but it makes you wonder if they are failing in one area then what else are they doing that they warned you not to do. It really makes me angry because I will just sit and wonder if things that I previously though they were below them are things that they do all the time. The perfect/near-perfect image of them is shattered beyond repair.

This is really similar to finding out thing about people at school that you previously thought we above reproach. I can’t mention any names here but if you know me then I have probably ranted about these people before. It’s not that I condemn them for what they do (drink, smoke, sex) it’s just surprising to all of the sudden find out that half of NHS/TI members aren’t the “clean” people you thought they were. It is just sad that every new person I meet now at school I have to wonder “well they seem nice but..” and it might sound harsh to assume they do stuff like that (and again I am not condemning it) I just want to tell them to “Take a bow” for putting on such a show for everyone. This year has been a huge year for finding out stuff that I was too nieve to see before. I just wish I could assume nice things instead of asking myself does this person drink, smoke, or have sex and thinking that it must be one of those. The few friends I have that don’t drink or smoke have there own problems and similarly with my friends that dont smoke. I am not pointing fingers and yes I don’t think that these thing are good things to be doing but hey I’m not perfect so I really shouldn’t judge them. To wrap up these thought that I know are scattered I just want to say one more time in this second paragraph I am NOT pointing to certain people (think of them but defiantly not calling them out on their actions

That person you dislike

Well it’s probably not hard for some people to guess the #1 person that I hate but let’s forget about him (Doesn’t go to school anymore) for a second and move on to my next unfavorable person. Names will not be mentioned or *cough*’ed and I would like to apologize for listing names in previous posts. (They have been removed) So I went to go play volleyball today (Sunday) with some friends and I knew said person was going to be there but I really wanted to go so I went anyways. Well to give some background this person delights (I don’t know if it conscious or subconsciously) in constantly telling me things like “Oh, does that happen in your video games”, “Why don’t you go build a computer” and other ridiculous comments geared toward my heavy involvement in computers. Let me be honest, I am a geek and I know, quick plug DublinPCSquad.com, it but I would rather not be reminded by it 24/7 nor do I want it to be the only thing that defines me. Well that’s not his only favorite activity; no he rather enjoys continuously putting people down while maintaining an air of “perfectness”. Say something mean, or for that matter repeat back something he says, and he will tell you that that’s not very nice. Pretty much the biggest hypocrite I know or the Coolest Kid I Know if you are in on that. Well so we are playing volleyball right and someone hits that ball the wrong way and he goes crazy and then quickly tries to cover it but saying “I’m just kidding”. It’s like me walking up to the first person I hate and saying “Wow do you enjoy ruining people’s lives? *Small Silence* Just kidding with you Mr. ***** have a nice day *under breath* hope you fall off a cliff”. So obviously you can see how after the 100^th time or so this can get aggravating. On top of that he is so mean to his girlfriend. He will say something mean but he won’t append it with just kidding. She will tell him that she doesn’t like it when he does that and 5min later he does it again then she goes to sit off to the side and pout and he is completely obvious to the whole thing. I don’t understand how she puts up with it but whatever. Well in my book he is my “Karen the Douche” or my “you-know-what-adjective-slash-verb-goes-here Brian”. (Dane Cook) Ugh ok pretty much I just need to get that out cause this guy is a royal pain in my –Well you know.

Reached my breaking point

Wow. I had my 17th b-day party which was a LAN, go ahead and call me a geek and then when you’re done doing that and you see that it actually annoys me go ahead and console me by telling me that I will someday make millions – I am so sick of being told that someday I will be rich or that I’m so smart, I am tired of feeling like I have to like up to this larger than life super programmer that I’m not and never will be.

Guest List – you may want to refer back to this later

EDIT:Removed last names

EDIT 2: Removed Names

Anyways as soon as I got home from school (2:40) I started to set up because you have to prepare if you are having 13 guys come over. So I set up table to put PCs on, MADE about 8 network cables, wired everything that I could with my 8 cables and 2 power strips, got snacks, and moved my computer. No sooner than when I had started to move my pc did Drew and Tyler show up. They were followed by a steady stream until all 13 were there. Now there were two thing I hadn’t prepared for, one was space, I had 3 tables and a booth and that made only about 11ish spots, so we had to be clever and somehow (after ALOT of complaining which always makes me mad – I am feed you, having you over to my house, and giving u all the snacks you want and you complain???) we fit everyone in. The other thing I hadn’t foreseen was the fact that some people are too stupid to remember to bring A. power strip and B. network cables. I was fairly sure that those were obvious thing you would need for a “computer party”. I was wrong. After I found more network cables for the idiots that can’t remember simple things, the complaining about Rock Band started. I have Rock Band yes and It’s a fun game – however my xbox decided not to play it – we tried a different game and it worked fine and we tried another RB disc and It froze at the same spot mine did. Throughout the rest of the night I had to put up with people who were complaining about RB not working. I wanted to strangle them for being so dense. It’s not my fault and I moved on. I also had to put up with these same people constantly ask me to try to get RB working again about 20 time more that night. People expect me to drop everything I’m doing to run and help them fix their insignificant problem. I also had to put up with Andy complaining about how his internet didn’t work. I tried another cable and that one didn’t work either so I knew it was him PCs and not my problem. I found out later that my router had him still blocked from the last LAN which I will talk about right now. Over last few LANs I have had to block people’s connection to the internet through my router because not matter what I say they think my house is a democracy and if they want to look at PORN then they can. Yes PORN you did not read it wrong. If my parents found out I would be in so much trouble yet they don’t care. I don’t ask for much at my house, all I ask is that

1.      Don’t make a mess – yes we are messy but clean up as you go (ie: cans, popcorn, pizza)

2.      Don’t look at porn

3.      Don’t cuss – my parent don’t like this at all – I don’t care but when you are at my house shut up

4.      Keep sound at a reasonable level

5.      If you leave the house after 12 you’re not coming back – Parents again they don’t want people coming and going

I don’t think this is too much to ask at MY HOUSE. When we are somewhere else I could care less but at my house follow my rules! So I am still get fussed at for blocking porn, Rock Band, tight space etc. Then Sam come to me, in the middle of my game with 5 other friends there, and asks me for pizza or something to eat. I tell him the pizza is gone and before I can tell him there are more snacks up stairs her get all mad like it’s my fault. They pizza came at 7ish and Sam was a little late but he still got their in time to eat but he wasn’t hungry then but I guess he expected us to save him pizza (??!?!?!?!?!?) then he tells me my LAN was gay and it wasn’t fun at all. I get fed up at this point and tell him if It sucks so much then he can just leave. He takes me up on my offer locks his PC and walks home. I was stunned – I just wanted him to shut-up but whatever. Before he left he changed his facebook status to Sam is having the worst week ever. WOW I guess it was too much to ask that he put on a happy face for one day and not be a JERK at my birthday party and insult me. I really don’t understand why he did what he did but frankly I don’t care. So far a LAN sounds pretty suck huh? Well it’s about to get worse. After everyone left at around 12ish I went back down to the basement to start cleaning. If everyone had just helped clean at the end or if they had just cleaned as the night had gone on it wouldn’t be that bad. Instead I was greeted by piles of cans, spills, pizza boxes and crust, popcorn everywhere, and water bottles galore. I just don’t get it. I spent an hour cleaning! I had to fold all the 10+ blankets that they used to sleep under. It would have take all of us about 1 min to fold them all and put them in a stack, instead it took me 15 minutes. Then came the taking all the rolling + kitchen chairs upstairs and the folding the folding chairs. It would have take all of them about 2 min maybe, it took me 10. Then came the picking up of all the trash which could have been avoided or only taken about 2 min for all of us, it took me 20. Then I had to fold down all the tables and put them up, a 1 min job for about 6 people, it took me about 5. Then I had to vacuum which take 10 min either way because there is only one vacuum but if they hadn’t made such a mess it would have only taken 5 or so.  Then came the rolling up of my network cables thrown every which way that could have been fixed by rolling the cables when you pack up your computer instead of just throwing it out of your way. This took me about 10min to untangle them and everything and It wouldn’t have taken anytime at all for them to roll them. Then you have to take up all the trash and throw it away. So it took me an hour to clean it all up but if they had stayed to help instead of running away so they wouldn’t have to do any work they only would have had to stay for 11 min max. I just am so lost to why they trash my house every time. They complain about how I don’t make popcorn or won’t let them make it but the floor was COATED with popcorn and the table that the ingredients were on was covering in oil, kernels, and the flavoring powder. I try to NEVER leave a mess, I always bring my cords, and a power strip, and I don’t leave my cans lying around. I am fed up with the about of disrespect I get from people I call my friends and don’t understand why they think they can do whatever they want at my house. I’m sick of it. On top of it all they anyways want to have LANs at my house but when I suggest one of their houses they get all offended and what not. You have to be willing to give, I have hosted enough LANs and I am not hosting another one until I attend at least 3 LANs at OTHER people’s houses.

New Car!!!

I got a new car

I will add pictures later when it is light outside.

It is a 1993 Honda Accord LX (same color as my last one) 5 speed

Here is a picture of the same car (<<<– NOT MY CAR)

Probably the best shape car I have had so far

The hood has rust and a dent in it (shopping cart according to last owner) but he game me a new hood that he never got around to painting and attaching so that will be about $100 but we knocked $300 off the price tag cause it needs new struts which make a knocking/creaking sound on sharper turns all in all I am very happy with it and just finished installing my radio which required me to pull out half the car and unscrew the other half. I paid $2300 for the car.

Great new PIC!!! kill me

Wonder what this is^^^^?

It’s my newest act of sticking it to the man. Dublin cares way too much about trees and mr Birkhoff (teacher) said he though we are tree huggers. So to prove him wrong I decided to go around 45 mph on Muirfield  and hit a patch of ice and run into one of these trees that i was supposed to be hugging and let me tell you I showed him who’s boss. That tree never saw it coming and yea it came back and bent my back axle but it don’t scare me! I even had a very nice talk with a police officer about how I put that tree in it’s place. He was very nice. So what if I totaled y car that tree will think twice next time. Well now my insurance is going to “raise the roof” and guess who gets to pick up the extra, yours truly. Anyone else notice how I go very sarcastic and ignore the main problem when I get royally screwed? Best part Insurance reads report “Teenage hits patch of ice and runs off road” and all they see is “Teenage get in wreak must be his fault completely” NICE! Thanks guys, coolest kids i know. Maybe if you hurry over to where it happened you can see the damage I did to that tree. (lol only tore off some bark yet everyone claims that a few more inches and instead of my back door getting told it would have been me – not buying it) I’ll try to get pics, since the nice police man gave me this cool slip of paper getting me out of school to talk to some of his friends at the court house my insurance will defiantly hear about this (one). So $500 deductible for car + $100(+) speeding ticket + New insurance = TOTAL SCREW-AGE. I’m excited u?

Btw: I hope I never have to use the tag “Wreak” again

-Josh

Moving (Not Me)

Well I spent 14 hours (Don’t regret a single one – except when I threw the breaker to Nate’s Room cause he was being a … Jerk) I had a ton of fun even though i had to keep trying to forget that every thing I helped move meant that Brian was moving away for real. Now if you don’t know the whole story that doesn’t make since. First you can read all of these but most importantly this and this one and maybe this one. So now that you are all learned up maybe you will understand this better. I won’t bore you will my entire day helping for two reasons. One I want some sleep/reading and two I really don’t want to flaunt like “Oh look at me I’m so great” (<- I’m not). Pretty much I woke up and spent the rest of my day till now moving and helping to decide where stuff went. It was a ton of fun but I knew this would really cut down on time Brian and I got to spend together cause we wont be next door anymore. I have been mentally preparing for this for a while now cause I first thought he was moving to South Carolina about 2 years ago and I wrote him a note telling him how he was like a brother to me but then he never moved and I didn’t know what to do with it so decided to add on to it and make it an If I Die message (It sparked the Idea to write them – I would link to when I first mentioned this but i cant seam to find that blog) but anyways. So then I thought I was going to finally deliver it to him when he was going to move somewhere else but plans fell through and while I felt bad for him it was a mixed feeling because I wanted him to stay (Call me selfish) Finally when he was looking for a house for him and Nate I just tried to ignore it cause I had gotten used to him being right there all the time. Then one Sunday he mentioned in passing that he had signed a contract on an apartment (He was was very excited, giddy). Finally I knew my luck (I know its selfish) has run out. Right now this is sinking in and it kinda hurts (Call me gay) but I’m going to miss always having a friend right there in case I needed him for anything, and we always did like everything together. He only moved to “The Farms” which is right off Hayden Run (right off Avery) Its only like 10 minutes away but going from seconds to ten minutes is a big jump (3000% increase -if it take about 20 secs to get from my house to his which is more that it usually takes- call me a nerd) . It just wont be the same. We will still hang out but my parents will be annoying about it and probably try and limit the time I spend over there (Something they never did when he was next door) I just feel really lonely now (Ya call me gay)  Cause Scott moved away and he was like my best friend and now Brian who pretty much is my Best Friend moves away (not as far as Scott but…) It just sucks.

Chrissy is Brian’s girlfriend. They have been going out for a while now and at first I didn’t really like her (One because I had never talked to her and two because Brian would always go do stuff with her when we were doing stuff)but after today I decided that I do like her (Not in the”steal your girlfriend” sort of way but in the “Wow, do you have a younger sister” – not just based on looks alone – she does have a younger sister though – Still too old right now for me) I don’t know where I am really going with this but I just wanted to kinda retract a previous statement or two. I guess I just want to say that she is really nice and I wish I had met and talked with her sooner and not been such a jerk in my previous post (same as the last link) well I’m tired and I want to read so I’m signing off.

-Josh

Alone

So sometimes i wonder if life is passing me by and I am going to miss it. Let me start over, I have been getting this feeling recently that one say I will wake up and find that life has passed me by, that all my friends are married and have families and that i will be alone. Now, i dont mean that i want to start looking desperately for a relationship but it makes me wonder. To clear this up – I do not “need” to have a girlfriend in order to function. I have just seen a few movies + tv show recently where I see people in these great relationships and (yes i know its TV not real life) I wonder if i will ever have something like that. I have a few friends that I look at and wonder “What are they doing differently that makes them so perfect” (No I’m not jealous of them i just wish i knew what was different)  While all of my peers are no where near the “marrying stage” I do have some older friends that are hitting that “mark” right now and I just gets me thinking. I know this sound weird but sometimes I just feal alone when some of my friends go and hang out with their girlfriends (I’m not mad at them for that)  and I am left alone. I know this sounds really sad, pitiful, etc. but, yea. My biggest fear (other than clowns – JK i don’t like clowns cause they are stupid but im not scared of them) is that I will be like 23+ without anyone. I don’t really venture out of my comfort circle and i don’t for see my self hanging out in a bar (and even if i did i doubt i would have the courage to walk up and talk to some girl i had never met) so i have to ask myself where am I going to find that “someone special” after i get thrown out into the real world. Once again I know this sound odd but Its how i feel sometimes.